Hello there? How are you?
Be honest, don't you hate that sometimes? When someone looks at you in the eye and asks you how you are when you both clearly know you are just plain crappy? I do. Oh yes, I do. Why? Because they caught me. Thought I was too smart wearing this mask of "fine", but once someone asks how I am, I break. Its comforting, revealing, and taunting. Comforting because someone finally cares to ask..taunting because now you have to face the truth...the mess you are in that you created..well of course this is about me, I don't know about you.
So, how much longer can I hold it together? Eh. The exact question would be, how much longer can I put this off?
I am in the biggest tug-o-war that I have ever had to fight with. My sanity is holding on by the finger and just want to see what happens if I just let go. My heart strings are as thin as a pin now, not left with as many as I started with. This overpowering shadow of solatary have been the creator of the tears I wish would end.
Where am I?
I'm okay during the day, I feel on top of the world and its easy to ignore all of this. BUt, once I fall asleep, I wake up in the middle of the night bawling. It has been an ongoing sleep that I have not been able to wake from. I stay up in my bed...thinking...feeling.
This needs to end. The right way. The way I always told myself I would. I have hope, but I am weak. I have never been this weak.
Its nice to finally admit it. But, now what am I going to do about it?
Well, baby steps I assume. One breath at a time, no matter how much it burns.
I have to learn to just not care anymore...but how can I be like that?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Random thoughts.
Oh my, YES, YES I know...long time.
Well, here I am sitting on my bed "apple sauce criss-cross" style ( as the preschool children say it). Hair messy and and tousled, a bit damp from the rain. Long thermal sleeve with my two essentials on each hand, my phone and water. I wish I did not have a phone, actually scratch that, I wish I wasn't as dependent on my phone as I am. Have my window just cracked slightly so I can hear the rain. I've always been comforted and soothed by the sound of water. When I would get stressed out or feel like im about to break, I would drive myself to the nearest water fountain, either it be by a park or shopping center, and sit by it for a very long time. Sadly, I have not been able to do that. So many memories have been made by my favorite fountains that they only hurt me now...Well, the rain would have to do. I could clean my room...clothes everywhere and just everything is on the floor. It actually really bothers me...but I am just so darn lazy to do anything about it, so I turn away from it..and that is what I have been really good at lately, turning my back to the problems I have not resolved and damaging situations I have created. I know I am pushing others away, especially the ones that want to help me. I just close off and just smile. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to do anything about it...right now. But, as we may all agree, that is not the way to go about with anything. Here I am praying for an answer with tears rolling down my face and pushing away the people that truly care. Yet, I do know why I am pushing them away...its because I want another kind of help...I want love.
Fuck.
Is that bad? Is that needy? Selfish?
It feels like the only way I can feel comforted is by being in someone's arms...wtf? Why do I want that so bad? Why can't I just be satisfied and appreciate the love of my true friends? I guess, because, cliche as it may sound, I am afraid of being alone. I HATE all this negativity. I want to feel like someone just wants to be around me all the time again. I don't know. Theres so much not right about me right now. But, one thing I will be grateful for amidst all this FAIL, is that I have gotten so much closer with my mother. My mother and father will never abandon me...and I love that. Now, I just need to get closer to my God. I pray to him, hell, I cry to him all the time...but after I just forget and live on as if I am ignoring all that he has blessed me with even when im very undeserving,. He has given me so many doors to surround myself around children, a new ministry, and my family...but I want more...Gawd, why am I so selfish...
Well, I am going to work on it. I want God to slap me across the face and WAKE ME UP.
Well, here I am sitting on my bed "apple sauce criss-cross" style ( as the preschool children say it). Hair messy and and tousled, a bit damp from the rain. Long thermal sleeve with my two essentials on each hand, my phone and water. I wish I did not have a phone, actually scratch that, I wish I wasn't as dependent on my phone as I am. Have my window just cracked slightly so I can hear the rain. I've always been comforted and soothed by the sound of water. When I would get stressed out or feel like im about to break, I would drive myself to the nearest water fountain, either it be by a park or shopping center, and sit by it for a very long time. Sadly, I have not been able to do that. So many memories have been made by my favorite fountains that they only hurt me now...Well, the rain would have to do. I could clean my room...clothes everywhere and just everything is on the floor. It actually really bothers me...but I am just so darn lazy to do anything about it, so I turn away from it..and that is what I have been really good at lately, turning my back to the problems I have not resolved and damaging situations I have created. I know I am pushing others away, especially the ones that want to help me. I just close off and just smile. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to do anything about it...right now. But, as we may all agree, that is not the way to go about with anything. Here I am praying for an answer with tears rolling down my face and pushing away the people that truly care. Yet, I do know why I am pushing them away...its because I want another kind of help...I want love.
Fuck.
Is that bad? Is that needy? Selfish?
It feels like the only way I can feel comforted is by being in someone's arms...wtf? Why do I want that so bad? Why can't I just be satisfied and appreciate the love of my true friends? I guess, because, cliche as it may sound, I am afraid of being alone. I HATE all this negativity. I want to feel like someone just wants to be around me all the time again. I don't know. Theres so much not right about me right now. But, one thing I will be grateful for amidst all this FAIL, is that I have gotten so much closer with my mother. My mother and father will never abandon me...and I love that. Now, I just need to get closer to my God. I pray to him, hell, I cry to him all the time...but after I just forget and live on as if I am ignoring all that he has blessed me with even when im very undeserving,. He has given me so many doors to surround myself around children, a new ministry, and my family...but I want more...Gawd, why am I so selfish...
Well, I am going to work on it. I want God to slap me across the face and WAKE ME UP.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
dammit.
What are you supposed to do when the only person you want to be around is the person that caused all of this.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
ehhhhhhh
Don't really feel like writing only because it feels like its the same crap over and over...
NOT saying it doesn't help to write...but how much more do I have to explain how I have been feeling.
NO, not giving up...just pausing.
Alot has happen these past two weeks...and my girls know. AS much as I tried to keep it a secret, I broke down and cried to them.
They comforted me and held me....but I am still lost...and hurt.
So..I'll just use photos...Mood of the moment??
I WANT:
I FEEL:
......
BUT...BENEATH ALL THAT I AM FEELING...I KNOW I RELY ON THE HOPE THAT LAYS THERE...EITHER IT BE SMALL OR JUST ABOUT TO GROW...WAITING FOR THE DAY IT FINALLY TAKES OVER...
NOT saying it doesn't help to write...but how much more do I have to explain how I have been feeling.
NO, not giving up...just pausing.
Alot has happen these past two weeks...and my girls know. AS much as I tried to keep it a secret, I broke down and cried to them.
They comforted me and held me....but I am still lost...and hurt.
So..I'll just use photos...Mood of the moment??
I WANT:
I FEEL:
......
BUT...BENEATH ALL THAT I AM FEELING...I KNOW I RELY ON THE HOPE THAT LAYS THERE...EITHER IT BE SMALL OR JUST ABOUT TO GROW...WAITING FOR THE DAY IT FINALLY TAKES OVER...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
My precious child...
At work again, and not feeling like me at all. Physically and emotionally. Woke up with bad sore throat, worse than yesterday. Did not want to work at all. But, here I am sitting on my chair staring out the window, silently. Then out of nowhere, tears started to build up. Why am I crying? Why right now? I feel awful and I feel defeated. I am drained and my semester has yet to start. I am healing, very, very slowly. My heart sank as the painful events flashback...about everything. Abandoned, misunderstood, given up on, and pressured on. So many expectations from me, but I have none anymore of others. I didn't use to feel this way, I feel forced to think this way...
But, of course, something inspiring happens.
Someone comes in the office after volunteering their time. " Here, I found this, maybe this belongs to someone," as he hands me a key chain. I expressed my appreciation and sat back down. The door closed behind him and I looked at the silver key chain and my heart jumped. It is an oval silver key chain with black imprinted footsteps, I slowly turn it and I smiled as I read the inscription:
" My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. When you see only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that I carried you."
I stood up and went to the break room and cried. Tears of hope and relief. How is this not a sign? How can it be coincidence that at the moment when I felt like all hope has been lost this was given to me as a reminder? My God, I know you are here. Its hard to see you, even through the cracks of my heart, but I feel you closer in my sorrow.
But, of course, something inspiring happens.
Someone comes in the office after volunteering their time. " Here, I found this, maybe this belongs to someone," as he hands me a key chain. I expressed my appreciation and sat back down. The door closed behind him and I looked at the silver key chain and my heart jumped. It is an oval silver key chain with black imprinted footsteps, I slowly turn it and I smiled as I read the inscription:
" My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. When you see only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that I carried you."
I stood up and went to the break room and cried. Tears of hope and relief. How is this not a sign? How can it be coincidence that at the moment when I felt like all hope has been lost this was given to me as a reminder? My God, I know you are here. Its hard to see you, even through the cracks of my heart, but I feel you closer in my sorrow.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
At work again...
So, I was thinking, I think I will start a new "category" or whatever its called titled, " At Work again..."
I always tend to blog the best while I sit at my front desk. Its quiet and have so much time to think, but its a good thing. The reason why the silence of my workplace isn't like the silence of my room is because, well, the people. I work at a Parish Office as the receptionist on the weekends. It will be almost 3 years now working at the parish I have been apart of since I was baptized.
Its a very small community and everyone knows who you are. In some ways, it can be quite suffocating, but not for me. I see it as a family. So, working here has only enriched me even more. The people that come in the office regularly have become my friends and many even mentors. I always receive sincere compliments, prayers, and best wishes, even if I had just met them twice.
I remember the day I first applied here. It was the middle of my first semester of my freshman year in college. I was having a hard time with the stress and well, with the recent death of someone very, very close to me, my niece. So, I would drive myself just after class to the church and sit there. Well, one day I was having a very hard time so I headed over. I parked farther so I had to walk past the main office. Without even thinking or prior planning, I propped my head in and asked if they were hiring. Just like that! I have never worked for anyone else but my parents, in which they even "fired" me ( ha ha funny story). And, to much surprise, they were! So, without any expectations I filled out the application and walked out. A day later, they wanted me to go in for the interview and was hired that same day! It happened so fast, but it was so exciting! And here I am, 3 years down, waving down the people that walk by. I love it here. Every time that I am here, I am surrounded with so much kindness, its refreshing. Sure, there is a good diversity, but unlike the other receptionists, I haven't had to deal with rude or "not fully there" persons till this day, well in person that is. There are a few people in particular that I have built a very nice friendship with, and they are all older than me, way older.
Two people that I have in mind in particular, and the inspiration for this blog, are a Spanish speaking older couple that come in every Sunday. Very respectful and filled with faith. They remind me alot of my parents, just a bit more open and outgoing. We have built a very special bond. We talk about religion, their kids, my studies, and love. Well, about everything. Sometimes its just 10 minutes, but my conversation with them is the one I remember the most that day. Today, we spoke about perseverance and the drive to study and become someone. Then it geared to choosing the right partner, a part of the conversation where I felt very vulnerable to everything they were saying. " You are a woman, not a chair or servant, you must find someone that truly values you as the woman that you are and the mother of their children" says Mrs. De La Torre. " You should depend on no one, but your strength to move forward, but if you find a true man, you will learn to rely on each other, not to be stepped all over on" Mr. De La Toree quickly added.
I almost teared up. I hear this all the time from my parents over the table ever since I can remember, but its different when others say it to you, especially when they have not seen you grow up. I just stood there and thought to myself, how is it that they have only known me for such a short time, that they see how much I am worth and how much I truly value?? HOW IS IT?! And how is it that someone that has known you more intimately, gave up on that completely? Or did not see it at all?!?
It boggles me.
Well, to much further ado, I welcome you all to read my hopefully weekly updates during my working hours. Its not just about what they came in the office for or where I work, its the quality of the conversation from people that learned to care for me and remind me who I truly am all along.
Until next time,
Andreina :]
I always tend to blog the best while I sit at my front desk. Its quiet and have so much time to think, but its a good thing. The reason why the silence of my workplace isn't like the silence of my room is because, well, the people. I work at a Parish Office as the receptionist on the weekends. It will be almost 3 years now working at the parish I have been apart of since I was baptized.
Its a very small community and everyone knows who you are. In some ways, it can be quite suffocating, but not for me. I see it as a family. So, working here has only enriched me even more. The people that come in the office regularly have become my friends and many even mentors. I always receive sincere compliments, prayers, and best wishes, even if I had just met them twice.
I remember the day I first applied here. It was the middle of my first semester of my freshman year in college. I was having a hard time with the stress and well, with the recent death of someone very, very close to me, my niece. So, I would drive myself just after class to the church and sit there. Well, one day I was having a very hard time so I headed over. I parked farther so I had to walk past the main office. Without even thinking or prior planning, I propped my head in and asked if they were hiring. Just like that! I have never worked for anyone else but my parents, in which they even "fired" me ( ha ha funny story). And, to much surprise, they were! So, without any expectations I filled out the application and walked out. A day later, they wanted me to go in for the interview and was hired that same day! It happened so fast, but it was so exciting! And here I am, 3 years down, waving down the people that walk by. I love it here. Every time that I am here, I am surrounded with so much kindness, its refreshing. Sure, there is a good diversity, but unlike the other receptionists, I haven't had to deal with rude or "not fully there" persons till this day, well in person that is. There are a few people in particular that I have built a very nice friendship with, and they are all older than me, way older.
Two people that I have in mind in particular, and the inspiration for this blog, are a Spanish speaking older couple that come in every Sunday. Very respectful and filled with faith. They remind me alot of my parents, just a bit more open and outgoing. We have built a very special bond. We talk about religion, their kids, my studies, and love. Well, about everything. Sometimes its just 10 minutes, but my conversation with them is the one I remember the most that day. Today, we spoke about perseverance and the drive to study and become someone. Then it geared to choosing the right partner, a part of the conversation where I felt very vulnerable to everything they were saying. " You are a woman, not a chair or servant, you must find someone that truly values you as the woman that you are and the mother of their children" says Mrs. De La Torre. " You should depend on no one, but your strength to move forward, but if you find a true man, you will learn to rely on each other, not to be stepped all over on" Mr. De La Toree quickly added.
I almost teared up. I hear this all the time from my parents over the table ever since I can remember, but its different when others say it to you, especially when they have not seen you grow up. I just stood there and thought to myself, how is it that they have only known me for such a short time, that they see how much I am worth and how much I truly value?? HOW IS IT?! And how is it that someone that has known you more intimately, gave up on that completely? Or did not see it at all?!?
It boggles me.
Well, to much further ado, I welcome you all to read my hopefully weekly updates during my working hours. Its not just about what they came in the office for or where I work, its the quality of the conversation from people that learned to care for me and remind me who I truly am all along.
Until next time,
Andreina :]
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