Thoughts going 50 MPH

Well, here I am at work...and it is SO quiet. What is it about silence that has me flinching in my chair? Maybe, because it relates to the nights I spend alone in my room. The same emotions submerge and become intolerable. Loneliness. Is. Such. A. Pain. In. the. ASS. Sure, you have your friends, but they are out doing stuff. Sure, you have your family, but we all know it sometimes isn't the same. I guess, its not the same after you haven't felt this after having the security and love for two years...and now its gone. I hate feeling. I hate giving in. I hate having to admit that I am alone. I hate the ball that begins to form in my throat once the bad memories rush through my mind, but even worse when the good memories pop up also. Those are what hurt me. I compare the good times to the bad, and for the first time in my life, the bad has overthrown the good...but why are they so hard to let go. Why knowing this its so hard to not just accept the bad ones and move on. WHY. WHY. WHY. The good memories have become more painful it seems. I contestant compare them to the awful moments. I know its the pain that has over powered the love I had for him...but why am I still here thinking about it. I don't want to go through this "process", is that hypocritical of me? Me being the psychology major not wanting to take her own advice? Typical me. I always do things the harder way, but I wouldn't be me if I hadn't. I don't like to take the easy way...well, mostly because I am too stubborn so once I have confirmed on a decision, theres nothing that can change my mind. Sure, it has bit me in the ass, but I just don't change. I guess, you will be remembered for the times you have struggled and triumphed, than the things that have been given to you in life. The easy way. Atleast, I can add that to the " How I am so much better than him" category. He always looked for the easy way. As in, he always looked for "loopholes" in almos every situation rather than working his way to the top. Nope, not me. Hard work will always pay off. Even though, that saying kills me because I worked hard for the relationship to stand and here I am now alone...but soon enough, it will hit me. In the meantime, just keep swimming.

I FEEL AWFUL!

I FEEL TERRIBLE! I am SO SORRY! My goodness! I have not blogged in almost a month! I have been having a busy month, as you can see, and just find myself so exhausted at the end of the day...im such a granny! But, i will make up for it! I shall post as much as I can today, or withen the next few days,to make-up all and catch you up on so much! Love you guys!