Random thoughts.

Oh my, YES, YES I know...long time.

Well, here I am sitting on my bed "apple sauce criss-cross" style ( as the preschool children say it). Hair messy and and tousled, a bit damp from the rain. Long thermal sleeve with my two essentials on each hand, my phone and water. I wish I did not have a phone, actually scratch that, I wish I wasn't as dependent on my phone as I am. Have my window just cracked slightly so I can hear the rain. I've always been comforted and soothed by the sound of water. When I would get stressed out or feel like im about to break, I would drive myself to the nearest water fountain, either it be by a park or shopping center, and sit by it for a very long time. Sadly, I have not been able to do that. So many memories have been made by my favorite fountains that they only hurt me now...Well, the rain would have to do. I could clean my room...clothes everywhere and just everything is on the floor. It actually really bothers me...but I am just so darn lazy to do anything about it, so I turn away from it..and that is what I have been really good at lately, turning my back to the problems I have not resolved and damaging situations I have created. I know I am pushing others away, especially the ones that want to help me. I just close off and just smile. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to do anything about it...right now. But, as we may all agree, that is not the way to go about with anything. Here I am praying for an answer with tears rolling down my face and pushing away the people that truly care. Yet, I do know why I am pushing them away...its because I want another kind of help...I want love.

Fuck.

Is that bad? Is that needy? Selfish?
It feels like the only way I can feel comforted is by being in someone's arms...wtf? Why do I want that so bad? Why can't I just be satisfied and appreciate the love of my true friends? I guess, because, cliche as it may sound, I am afraid of being alone. I HATE all this negativity. I want to feel like someone just wants to be around me all the time again. I don't know. Theres so much not right about me right now. But, one thing I will be grateful for amidst all this FAIL, is that I have gotten so much closer with my mother. My mother and father will never abandon me...and I love that. Now, I just need to get closer to my God. I pray to him, hell, I cry to him all the time...but after I just forget and live on as if I am ignoring all that he has blessed me with even when im very undeserving,. He has given me so many doors to surround myself around children, a new ministry, and my family...but I want more...Gawd, why am I so selfish...

Well, I am going to work on it. I want God to slap me across the face and WAKE ME UP.

dammit.

What are you supposed to do when the only person you want to be around is the person that caused all of this.

ehhhhhhh

Don't really feel like writing only because it feels like its the same crap over and over...
NOT saying it doesn't help to write...but how much more do I have to explain how I have been feeling.
NO, not giving up...just pausing.
Alot has happen these past two weeks...and my girls know. AS much as I tried to keep it a secret, I broke down and cried to them.
They comforted me and held me....but I am still lost...and hurt.

So..I'll just use photos...Mood of the moment??

I WANT:


I FEEL:





......


BUT...BENEATH ALL THAT I AM FEELING...I KNOW I RELY ON THE HOPE THAT LAYS THERE...EITHER IT BE SMALL OR JUST ABOUT TO GROW...WAITING FOR THE DAY IT FINALLY TAKES OVER...

My precious child...

At work again, and not feeling like me at all. Physically and emotionally. Woke up with bad sore throat, worse than yesterday. Did not want to work at all. But, here I am sitting on my chair staring out the window, silently. Then out of nowhere, tears started to build up. Why am I crying? Why right now? I feel awful and I feel defeated. I am drained and my semester has yet to start. I am healing, very, very slowly. My heart sank as the painful events flashback...about everything. Abandoned, misunderstood, given up on, and pressured on. So many expectations from me, but I have none anymore of others. I didn't use to feel this way, I feel forced to think this way...

But, of course, something inspiring happens.

Someone comes in the office after volunteering their time. " Here, I found this, maybe this belongs to someone," as he hands me a key chain. I expressed my appreciation and sat back down. The door closed behind him and I looked at the silver key chain and my heart jumped. It is an oval silver key chain with black imprinted footsteps, I slowly turn it and I smiled as I read the inscription:

" My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. When you see only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that I carried you."

I stood up and went to the break room and cried. Tears of hope and relief. How is this not a sign? How can it be coincidence that at the moment when I felt like all hope has been lost this was given to me as a reminder? My God, I know you are here. Its hard to see you, even through the cracks of my heart, but I feel you closer in my sorrow.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!

At work again...

So, I was thinking, I think I will start a new "category" or whatever its called titled, " At Work again..."

I always tend to blog the best while I sit at my front desk. Its quiet and have so much time to think, but its a good thing. The reason why the silence of my workplace isn't like the silence of my room is because, well, the people. I work at a Parish Office as the receptionist on the weekends. It will be almost 3 years now working at the parish I have been apart of since I was baptized.

Its a very small community and everyone knows who you are. In some ways, it can be quite suffocating, but not for me. I see it as a family. So, working here has only enriched me even more. The people that come in the office regularly have become my friends and many even mentors. I always receive sincere compliments, prayers, and best wishes, even if I had just met them twice.

I remember the day I first applied here. It was the middle of my first semester of my freshman year in college. I was having a hard time with the stress and well, with the recent death of someone very, very close to me, my niece. So, I would drive myself just after class to the church and sit there. Well, one day I was having a very hard time so I headed over. I parked farther so I had to walk past the main office. Without even thinking or prior planning, I propped my head in and asked if they were hiring. Just like that! I have never worked for anyone else but my parents, in which they even "fired" me ( ha ha funny story). And, to much surprise, they were! So, without any expectations I filled out the application and walked out. A day later, they wanted me to go in for the interview and was hired that same day! It happened so fast, but it was so exciting! And here I am, 3 years down, waving down the people that walk by. I love it here. Every time that I am here, I am surrounded with so much kindness, its refreshing. Sure, there is a good diversity, but unlike the other receptionists, I haven't had to deal with rude or "not fully there" persons till this day, well in person that is. There are a few people in particular that I have built a very nice friendship with, and they are all older than me, way older.

Two people that I have in mind in particular, and the inspiration for this blog, are a Spanish speaking older couple that come in every Sunday. Very respectful and filled with faith. They remind me alot of my parents, just a bit more open and outgoing. We have built a very special bond. We talk about religion, their kids, my studies, and love. Well, about everything. Sometimes its just 10 minutes, but my conversation with them is the one I remember the most that day. Today, we spoke about perseverance and the drive to study and become someone. Then it geared to choosing the right partner, a part of the conversation where I felt very vulnerable to everything they were saying. " You are a woman, not a chair or servant, you must find someone that truly values you as the woman that you are and the mother of their children" says Mrs. De La Torre. " You should depend on no one, but your strength to move forward, but if you find a true man, you will learn to rely on each other, not to be stepped all over on" Mr. De La Toree quickly added.

I almost teared up. I hear this all the time from my parents over the table ever since I can remember, but its different when others say it to you, especially when they have not seen you grow up. I just stood there and thought to myself, how is it that they have only known me for such a short time, that they see how much I am worth and how much I truly value?? HOW IS IT?! And how is it that someone that has known you more intimately, gave up on that completely? Or did not see it at all?!?

It boggles me.

Well, to much further ado, I welcome you all to read my hopefully weekly updates during my working hours. Its not just about what they came in the office for or where I work, its the quality of the conversation from people that learned to care for me and remind me who I truly am all along.


Until next time,
Andreina :]

Don't throw in the towel, use it to wipe your brow

" When you feel like throwing in the towel, use it instead to wipe of the sweat and work even harder" -Kandee Johnson

This has touched a very special place in my heart. The person in particular who said this has comforted me. She is an infamous markeup artist on youtube and probaly the sweetest person you may ever meet. CHeck her out! youtube/kandeejohnson!


The real reason why I have not blogged was not just because I have been busy...but I was giving up. I was giving up on everything I have always preached about. " DO THE IMPOSSIBLE" " FOLLOW EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES" " NEVER GIVE UP"...BUT, its different when you are faced with times where it seems like it is inevitable to fall in sorrow. My heart is damaged and old wounds have been teared open. I get so mad that I have allowed myself to feel like this, but that is because I never used to allow myself to "feel" anything... I don't know. I really do. not. know. I should be proud where I am right now, but I still find myself sucked in. I know my physical and healthier changes have helped me and proves my strength and perseverence, but i'm emotionally wounded. I can't take much like I used to anymore and that angers me. I have worked so hard for everything that I have ever received, but with who to enjoy it with? The single life, like I have discussed with Teresa, isn't so great as its set-up to be. It was awesome for awhile, but the lack of intimite companionship really drags me down.The lack of someone that will always love you and be by your side makes me tear up every day. This feeling of loneliness is overwhelming. But, I can not allow myself to be sucked into whatever this is or may be. I have so much to be thankful for..I have so much to give.But, that is all I have ever known to do. Give, give, give. I do not regret it, but when am I finally going to find the one that appreciates me...and gives also. I have been taken advantage of in ways many would call me foolish. I have been lied to because I chose to listen to my heart rather than my gut. I have been betrayed by a person who said would take a bullet for me.



Yet, these should never be the reasons or the anchor to weigh me down. We all have the tools to succeed, once we have realized they are in us since the beginning. The harder you try for your goals, whatever they may be, the harder its going to be. THAT is when you should push harder. When it feels like you are ready to completely give up, that is because you are closer to your dream or goals than you think. Things are never given to you in life, they are granted to you. People are going to tell you you are not enough, you are not going to make it, or your goals are unreachable, or break your heart. Those are moments you take to push yourself even harder. One step at a time, may take awhile, but move forward, never backwards. Life only lives in the present, you will soon stop wallowing your past and not fear the future.


The possibilities are there to be taken. All I need to do is put my head back on my shoulders and go. I may be shattered, destroyed, and butchered in spirit, but that is what will make my success even more great.

Thoughts going 50 MPH

Well, here I am at work...and it is SO quiet. What is it about silence that has me flinching in my chair? Maybe, because it relates to the nights I spend alone in my room. The same emotions submerge and become intolerable. Loneliness. Is. Such. A. Pain. In. the. ASS. Sure, you have your friends, but they are out doing stuff. Sure, you have your family, but we all know it sometimes isn't the same. I guess, its not the same after you haven't felt this after having the security and love for two years...and now its gone. I hate feeling. I hate giving in. I hate having to admit that I am alone. I hate the ball that begins to form in my throat once the bad memories rush through my mind, but even worse when the good memories pop up also. Those are what hurt me. I compare the good times to the bad, and for the first time in my life, the bad has overthrown the good...but why are they so hard to let go. Why knowing this its so hard to not just accept the bad ones and move on. WHY. WHY. WHY. The good memories have become more painful it seems. I contestant compare them to the awful moments. I know its the pain that has over powered the love I had for him...but why am I still here thinking about it. I don't want to go through this "process", is that hypocritical of me? Me being the psychology major not wanting to take her own advice? Typical me. I always do things the harder way, but I wouldn't be me if I hadn't. I don't like to take the easy way...well, mostly because I am too stubborn so once I have confirmed on a decision, theres nothing that can change my mind. Sure, it has bit me in the ass, but I just don't change. I guess, you will be remembered for the times you have struggled and triumphed, than the things that have been given to you in life. The easy way. Atleast, I can add that to the " How I am so much better than him" category. He always looked for the easy way. As in, he always looked for "loopholes" in almos every situation rather than working his way to the top. Nope, not me. Hard work will always pay off. Even though, that saying kills me because I worked hard for the relationship to stand and here I am now alone...but soon enough, it will hit me. In the meantime, just keep swimming.

I FEEL AWFUL!

I FEEL TERRIBLE! I am SO SORRY! My goodness! I have not blogged in almost a month! I have been having a busy month, as you can see, and just find myself so exhausted at the end of the day...im such a granny! But, i will make up for it! I shall post as much as I can today, or withen the next few days,to make-up all and catch you up on so much! Love you guys!

BLAH

so, I'm at work. Tired,so very tired. The system is down, so no computers-hence why I am posting using my phone. I have been I'm such a nasty mood this whole week. Which is NOT like me at all, so this worries me. Should I be worried? ahhhhh, I'm so lost! haha I don't know why I am laughing,but sometimes you just have to. I feel so many things that it is literally taking a toll on me. I keep trying to keep my head up,but I feel everything so.heavy. I 'm not giving in, but it feels like I am ALWAYS fighting. Always picking up the pieces and always reconstructing myself. Why does it feel like I am always working harder than the people that hurt me????

jeez, I know that in a couple hours from now,I am going to be upset for sounding so 'defeated.' BUT,I know this is a safe place. Its just up to me what I will make of this. I know its hard, but I can take the hit. Hard work always pays off. ..

Quote of the day: Just live.

Today's quote comes from a song, You're Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars. I don't remember who told me about this song, but it is certainly worth a listen! Check them out!

I pulled out my favorite line in that song. "Live through this, and you won't look back."

How many times do you find yourself completely exposed to a situation you never thought you would ever go through? How many times do you find yourself guessing if you are going the right path out of it, or even how to start moving on? Im there. Im in that place in my life where I am constantly asking myself is this the right path? The path to healing. Or when I am finally taking each day to its fullest, I find myself going back to square one after being pulled by the bad memories that I allowed to crowd my mind, emotion, and actions.

Setting yourself goals are easy. They become our aspirations, our inspirations, and our dreams. But, making them is the hardest part, and the most eventful. Constantly jumping from rock to rock, holding your balance to not be pulled back from painful memories, doubts, and fears. Its difficult to carry such pains of the heart every day with you. Yet, not one other person can every take that from you. Sure, there are people in our lives that help ease that pain little by little, but you can control it to make it come back or not. I know, its so much easier to write about it than actually telling yourself that you will be okay, when you deep inside don't really know. You don't know where you will be this day next week or months from now. Where do you think you will be? Actually, where do you WANT to be?

Even though I speak in the perspective from a broken heart, no matter what your struggle may be, pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. Disappointment and fear overlap. So, the journey of living with these makes it harder to do things we love, things that make us who we are. But, you must move forward. Don't over analyze because then you will find yourself blaming yourself. Don't try to justify anything, take it how it is. Yes, It does not make sense. Yes, you do not deserve to go through this. No, I don't know when it will stop hurting or stop being so hard. But, I do know this. Life is worth living for. As much as it seems dark and gloomy right now, you deserve to smile, you deserve to give yourself another chance. Go for it. In the words of Robert Frost, take the road not taken. Rediscover yourself while you discover and make new memories. You deserve it. Then, before you know it, I promise, you won't look back because IT WILL NOT MATTER ANYMORE.

Thank-you God...

Hey Big papa,
Thank-you for my family. Thank-you for helping me realize how much they really are here for me. The past few days, as you already know, they have tolerated my mood swings and snaps...but they still love me. NO matter how much I get irritated, they never give up on me. I know I get overwhelmed most of the times by them. Yes, I know I should be more patient with them, especially since they have been so supporting with everything recently. I pray for all the individuals that struggle with their family members. I pray that they will soon find comfort in them and let go of any resentment.

Thank-you for sending me friends that are like family to me. Even though they may not be blood related, they are there for me at all my good and bad times. Even though i know I can be a bit too handle, they have been there. Please, watch over my girls. My Teresita, Bree, Estee, Kaitlin...the sisters you forgot to give me! I love them so much. Thank-you for blessing me with such good friends. Of course, You can not forget about my lil men.



Most of all, thank-you for putting up with me these past few days. It has been hard. Please, don't give up on me.



I know your not like other guys. I wish he would of just hold on to me a bit more so his eyes would open and re-realize (sp?) how happy I could of made him. But, yet again, You know what you are doing. As much as I sometimes break down to my knees, I have total faith in you. I trust you with my whole heart and give my whole heart for you to nourish. I know you will send my prince my way, Big Papa. I know you will.

Amen,
Annie :]

Quote of the day:Smile.

I am absolutely in love with this quote. Simple and to the point. I got this quote from a youtuber that I am subscribed to, Gloria. She is insanely hilarious and a real sweetheart. She has been on "Lopez Tonight" and really well known on youtube. Check her out!
www.youtube.com/glowpinkstah.

Anyways, this quote has a special meaning to me only because it was Teresa that told me about it. She said that when she heard it that it reminded her of me. That is the biggest compliment I have ever received. It really is a wonderful feeling when people can say such nice things about you, especially when it comes from the mouths from our closest friends, like my bestie for life.

I know for a fact, that I have been fighting to keep THAT image of myself to remain presentable. You know, bubbly, smiley, and positive! Yet, I believe the hardest thing to ever do is to surrender to your true feelings sometimes. You can ask anyone and they will tell you it is rare to ever see me upset. I will admit this, no one has ever seen me angry. Sure, frustrated, stress, overwhelmed, and serious, but never angry. Come to think of it, I haven't even seen myself angry. Is that weird or what? Sure, I have had the spine crawling, blood boiling, tear jerking feeling...but that is it. I do not act upon it. I do not do anything about it. I do not ever remember being furiously angry and there has been ample opportunities that have been perfect to be! Sure, I have been mad, but even that blows over quick. I believe it is because I have never ALLOWED myself to be angry. I have never LET myself express it. I have conditioned myself to automatically attack the emotions and smoosh them to a small corner in my mind, and it stays there. BUT, I feel it overflowing. Everything is ready to explode and I am scared. I am terrified. So, this is exactly why, I have enrolled myself in kickboxing. I purposely think of all the wrong that has been done unto me. I go over the events of my recent dismay, quietly and patiently. Once I arrive to the gym and I finally find myself in front of the bag, I am there. It is just me and the bag. No instructor, no other people in the class are taken into consideration. They are all blurred out and I go at it. I know this way it is healthier and beneficial on all aspects. My body is getting the workout of its life. I am so relived after the hour and I forget the state I came in the first place. I feel good and I am looking good MMM-HMMMM!

So, this quote has been imprinted on me. As much as I say how much anger I have inside me, it never stops me from smiling.
There is so much wrong that can happen or has happened in our life, but why do we allow ourselves to simply just give up? Even if its just for those few moments? I remember the times I have been weak and not myself, stronger than others, and that is because they were painful. Why create those memories when we have the ability to demolish them or prevent them? I understand, you must allow yourself to grieve and give yourself time, but don't you think smiling over something that makes you happy, no matter how small, is much better??? Why wallow over something that eventually will not matter?! And why overlook the power of a smile?! Either it be from a stranger or a friend!

I was taking this psychology course a few semesters ago and my professor mentioned this one technique. If you bite onto something, like a pencil. your muscles will force themselves to form a smile. So, if you are physically smiling then eventually, you will connect your mind to remember good thoughts when you have smiled and then, BOOM BAM, be happy! Interesting, right?

I guess, what I am really trying to say, is smiling, even at the most inappropriate and difficult moments, can take such a strong turn to a path much healthier and beneficial( even if you have to bite down a pencil!). Today, for example, I had a VERY bad day. But, my niece and whole world, Kimmy, made me laugh. It was my first time in the day that I was smiling and I forgot why I was crying for those few moments, and those moments were much stronger than the moments I spent wallowing and grieving. She was my sunshine today, just like every day.

Happiness is contagious! If you let that overpower you, you are unstoppable! It isn't a fantasy life! It isn't impossible! The smallest thing, like smiling, can make such an impact on yourself and the people around you! It isn't running away from your problems or not dealing with them. if anything, you are unconsciously demolishing them because moments that make you not feel like yourself, such as hurt, should never define you or take control of you. Do not disect the simplicity of a genuine smile.

Create your own silver lining and you will stand out!



Until next time,
Andreina :]

I don't want to hate Valentine's day.

First, I would like to apologize for pretty much disappearing! Yet, I am back and in full force. I have been busy the past few weeks. I finally come home tired and just want to sleep. I missed those days. It makes me feel like I actually did something with my day rather than staying up bored and lonely. So, today I decided to not do anything at all. The only movement I have done was switch from one couch to the other. IT IS AWESOME. I have been painting and browsing the internet all while watching the food network.

So, because I am in this process of a whole new transformation, I decided to change the channel because watching food just makes me eat. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE EATING, but not just because I can and will. Anyways, I noticed that the movie, " I Hate Valentine's Day" was on. I decided to watch it and just found myself completely taken into the main character, Nia Vardalos, whole philosophy on romance and relationships. You should really watch it, yes, it is cheesy, but hell, I LOVE CHEESY. I was so into this film and I know because I felt like I was trying to understand Nia's character. This whole attitude she portrayed had everyone fooled to believe that she was really happy, but it was only a mask. I don't want to become like that. But, of course, she fell in love and was fighting to not admit it. Without much spoiling, she was in love and was her real self.

This whole process, well, life change, of working out almost everyday and just being healthier has become an outlet. I enrolled myself in kickboxing and it was the best thing I have ever done for MYSELF. I am addicted. My bestie, Teresa, pointed out to me one night while on Skype that kickboxing has given me that sense of security that calms me. It's true. Maybe because I miss that. I miss feeling secured...I admit that I miss the security from another person.

I am a strong woman, but being vulnerable, as I have grown to understand, does not mean I am weak. I had that sense of security by a guy and fell deeply in love with it. I felt safe. Now, that its gone, I find myself aggitated and completely exposed. MY GOD, where is this all coming from?! I know, me. It has always been there, but I have been so scared of facing these emotions that they eventually creeped back to me. BUT I WILL NOT FALL. I do not want to become scared of loving again or giving my whole self to someone I believe is deserving of me. BUT THAT IS JUST IT! I BELIEVED that the guy I was with was deserving. I believed it so much, that I did everything and anything in my power to protect that. I ignored all doubts, signs, and instincts. I pushed away the disrespect and shrugged off the tears. I was so convinced he was my answer. To say the least, I was wrong, But I was not wrong to be the great woman that I was to him. I still am, but for myself.

I was this great person before him and dammit, I am even greater after him. I will not live in fear of being hurt. As much as it is easier said than done, I will continue to live life like I always say I should. For me and for those who matter.



" Do whatever you need to do to look at the bright side of anything you come to face with" - Me

Until next time ( promise not in a long time!),
Andreina :]

Thank-you God...

Hey God
I know I prayed to you earlier and I am upset with the condition I was in. I was at the park that I have gone to ever since I was a child. You know that creek the runs by there isolated from the sidewalk? It is my favorite place in the whole park. I know you know that I went there right after my jog and just broke down. I am doing my best. You know I am. I wish you could just poof my prince charming right in front of me already, but I realize that there is a path I am meant to take where I am going to have to work on myself more than I think I need to.

But, Thank-you. Thank-you for everything. Thank-you for my papa. Thank-you for my mama. Thank-you for my whole family. As much as they tend to get on my nerves, sorry, but I know you have blessed me with a family that truly love me unconditionally, just like you do. I am pushing myself to get out of this. I catch myself imagining how different I can become if I were to let this eat me up. Where I would be if I just entirely gave up on romance, on me, and on you? Thank-you for giving me the imagination I have because without it, I would not be able to see how lost I would be if I were to just give into this anger, pain, and betrayal...and so much other stinking emotions I wish I never felt. EVER.



Thank-you for my friends. Thank-you for my Teresita. You know how I just came home not too long ago from visiting her. I was happy. I was calm. I know that she knows that I am hurting, that I am struggling but not falling, she knows all of that. She has this way of just taking in every word that comes out of my mouth and understand. I did not even have to mention anything about how my day was, she can already imagine. Thank-you so much for sending me her and for letting me keep her. She has this way of making me forget all of my problems and shut down my thoughts while she is around. Thank-you SO much for friends. Not just friends, but really GOOD friends. I know not alot can say that they can name a few people that have been there at their most important times in their lives, but I can. And I pray for those that deserve friends like I have to find that. Thank-you for sending them to be my rocks when I become weak.

You really are amazing. Even though alot of this does not make sense. None of this does. I give you my all. Take the reins and just steer me to where I need to go. I hope you are proud of me.


Amen,
Annie

Thank-You God...

Thank-you God…

I am catholic. My love for God is deep, but that does not mean you have to be catholic to love God, it’s just how I have been raised. Growing up, I have always been taught the traditional ways of a roman catholic all thanks to school and, of course, my family; most of all thanks to my parents.

I have gone through tough trials in which I could have easily fallen out of my faith. Yet, faith is one of the main reasons why I still stand. You see, I know many would say that it really relies on you and the person that you are to overcome, which I agree, but I have experienced the reliance I have made on the Lord and how his everlasting mercy has filled me. Without my love for the Lord, I would not be me. I would not FEEL myself.

Life can throw you so many obstacles and it seems like every one of them are unfair and hard. BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE. It is so easy to turn away from something you truly believe in, because well, lets face it, why would God put us through so much pain and suffering? BUT, I feel, that overcoming the challenges of life with hope in God is much stronger than anger, hurt, abandonment, doubt, and fear.

With that said, I always find myself praying…well, more like pleading him. Especially the past two months. I begged God to not take away what was the “love of my life” from me and now I am begging him to take my pain away…but I have realized that is not prayer.

So, I came up with this. I will now pray to God, the way I believe I should have been a long time ago. To be thankful. To realize the positives and put them in prayers. That is what is most important and with doing that, I will find comfort, love, and healing.

I welcome all of you to read my postings that I will label “Thank-You God...” I have never been so public about my most personal prayers, but I feel like I need to do this in order to help myself. It is never to mock or “shove” it in the faces of those who are not religious. Take them as you will. It is still me, my words, and my aspirations.


Until next time,
Andreina :]

Another wake-up call...

6/6/10

Today, I woke up lost. I didn’t know where I was this morning. No, It is definitely not the results from a “good time” the night before! I was confused and it felt like I was still half asleep. I had to look around and finally remembered that I was in my own room, my own bed. I laid there; hours before having to get up for work, thinking. I DESPISE thinking. I was going over and over events, analyzing words, translating the true meaning of things...all in my head. The more I thought about, the more upset I became. The more the sinking feeling slammed me down. The more I just decided to give up and try to sleep it off until I had to get up for work instead of praying.

Two hours later, my continuous alarm sets off at 7:00 am. It was time to get up. I laid there for twenty minutes, but this time not thinking about anything. Yet, I still felt confused. The silence of my house was frightening to me. The emptiness of my room was chilling, until I heard a very familiar and comforting sound. The sound of my dog’s, Suzy, bells on her collar. I looked over the side of my bed and there she was lying on her side, fast asleep. I felt comforted. I felt safe again. I laid there on my side looking at her be. Her tummy rose up and down and her sensitive ears fidgeted. I reached over to pet her and she slowly turned her head to look at me.

The alarm went off again! I had twenty minutes to get ready for work. I got dressed and drove off. I arrived only 10 minutes before having to open the office. Opening the office has always been a quiet procedure. No one there besides me. I quietly opened the door, the bathrooms, made the coffee, and checked the messages. I went to my “bin” to get my list of responsibilities of the day. Just under the list, there was a bulky small package, it seemed, perfectly placed in the back. On it was an envelope with my name on it.

I took it, made myself a cup of coffee (only because I was starving!), and went back to my front desk. I removed the envelope which was taped to what it seemed a shape of a book. I unwrapped the paper wrapping to reveal a small white book titled, God’s Personal Promises for Women. The cover was white with pink writing and a picture of a vase filled with my favorite flower, pink tulips. I froze. “ Who can possibly have given this to me?” and then I remembered that I have not opened the card yet!

“Sometimes life just doesn’t make any sense. Bad things happen to good people, and we all wonder why. But even in these moments, some things remain true-God loves you. He has a plan for your life…you are loved...you are never alone…and even the darkest night must lead to dawn”

My throat swelled up and the tears, that I promised never to produce again, started to run down my cheeks. I flipped opened the card to find it handwritten,

“ Andreina, I’m praying for peace and comfort for your heart. Love, Vicky”

Vicky is a good friend of mine that I made here at work. She is a great role model for me, not only because she is slightly older than me, but because of how wise and how she thinks out of the box. She is pregnant with her first son. We are all so excited for her. I always knew there was something special about my Vicky. We are always laughing and constantly talking. She is the sweetest woman I have ever met. So, to receive this card and book, on a morning like the one I was having, filled in some of the small cracks in my heart.

I have been constantly reminded how lucky I TRULY am to have the friends that I have. To have people care about me just as much as I care for them.

It angers me how just the loss (not due to death) of one man, excuse me, one boy, whom at one point I believed was the one, my bestest friend, my everything- was going to blind me to realize that. To see what true friends I really have and how THEY have been there for me through everything. THEY have been unselfish and compassionate towards me. That ONE boy can never outweigh the MANY, TRUE OF HEART, friends that I have. Even though, there was a time when I was convinced I did not need anyone else but him, THANK- YOU GOD, for ripping off that blindfold from eyes. THANK-YOU GOD, for sending me the REAL ANGELS to my side.



Until next time,
Andreina :]

Vent before bed.

SO, this is new to me. I don't really vent, atleast not publically. I don't even know how to start, quite honestly. The picture of the tornado is the perfect depiction of what I am feeling this very moment. Anger, overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, pissed, and all the dandy stuff! I don't even sound angry, if you were to see my face at this moment you probably wouldn't even notice it. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it was something that I had just found out about a friend of mine that just completely set me off. I am just so mad at him. He committed that same betrayal that I have been victim of just recently. How in the HECK is that supposed to make me feel? Maybe because he just shrugged it off like it was nothing...seriously??

The worst thing is that I am currently on skype with him and just seeing his face while he was telling me threw me off! I couldn't even control my reaction. I just stared at him quietly, almost close to tears. I know I shouldn't hold this against him, but seriously, I have known this guy since 6th grade, so sweet and nice, and then I find this out?! wow. Just wow. Just because it totally shocked me just like the day I found out about my relationship. The lies..the deception..the betrayal...

I don't know. I have really good days and then sometimes they just spiral down. I just keep telling myself that this guy that hurt me meant nothing to me before I met him, so he can easily mean nothing to me now after. I pray and BEG God to help me through this.

Atleast I still laugh...atleast I still smile...and atleast I am still me. I thought I was done. I thought I was done going through this pain. I rather much go through the loss of my niece all over again than the hurt caused by a complete yule, because atleast she deserves to be missed. She deserves to be remembered everyday.

Well, I am going to bed. To pray again. To lay down another night.

One day, all of this won't even matter. I can not wait for that day where I can look back and just see how far I have gone. How much I have accomplished and how much HAPPIER I am to be at that place in my life where I was always meant to be. Successful. Happy. TRULY In Love.

Quote of the Day: Just do it.

OH MY LEMONS! This has got to be one of my favorites!!!! ( WARNING: I can guarantee this won't be the first time I'll say that).

How many people do you know always seem to be doubting their capabilities/skills/talents?! I can for sure name a few. Now, would you admit that you even doubt yourself from time to time? Guilty as well.

There are so many things I want to do in this life, but never seem to push myself to go to the first step! Countless times I have written " TO DO LISTS" and taped them to my phone before I go to bed so that in the next morning it is the first thing I see. Yet, you will soon come to realize, I am not a morning person. Anything that stands in the way of me turning off the alarm on my phone ends up crumpled and thrown across the room. Anyways, I hardly ever find myself actually driving to the gym, turning on the hose to wash my truck, or to start to organize my desk. But, it feels, like that has already started to change.

Yesterday was a big day for me. I went to my first Zumba fitness class, that I have put off since I first heard about it a year ago, and I loved it! I pushed myself to keep up with the instructor even when my legs were ready to quit. After the session, I felt this feeling that I have not felt in a very long time. For the past two years, well, every since I started college, It felt like I have been carrying everyone's problems. I was doing favors, whole heartedly, but it was starting to weigh me down. For the longest time, I would feel guilty to say "no" to a favor that anyone would ask me. I didn't really expect anything in return and unfortunately, they caught onto that. GOD FORBID I'd actually say no to a request! So, for the past few years, I concentrated on to make everyone happy and the rest of my energy on school. I AM EXHAUSTED! It has been awhile since I have done something for myself that was not school related.

After my workout, I went to Target and bought two large storage boxes. Once I finally arrived home, I opened the door of my room, pushed my earphones in, pressed play, then, without hesitation, started filling up the boxes with all the trinkets, books, grade school trophies, small gifts, and a bunch of other things that I have kept along the years. I decided it was time to completely and utterly change my entire room! No more old teenage girl furniture with pink flowers painted around the corners! No more piles and piles of abandoned stuff animals, notebooks, and childhood books! Even my collection of Pirates of the Caribbean booty! ( They were put in a very special box, by the way.) I figured it was time to change the one place that I spend most of my time when I am at home. I have to be welcomed to something that is going to reflect my new and improved mentality and maturity. It is quite liberating!

I was getting restless, but I started to imagine the new colors of my walls and just less of everything that I held on to for so long. I need to free my mind and especially erase the bad times I spent crying and negative emotions created in my room. I was so proud at the moment I snapped the lids onto the plastic boxes. I can almost see the new atmosphere I was about to create FOR myself. I finally was capable of saying goodbye to the junk that only represented a fraction of what I was about, the child inside of me.

What are my plans for my new room? MANY! But most of all, I plan to buy myself an easel and finally paint, dammit!



SO, what are you going to prove to yourself today? Even if its the smallest thing, it makes the biggest difference. It is one step to another. You only have a limited time on this earth and it is your right to live it the way you only seen in your dreams. Get up and do it. Only you have the power to say "GO." Like my good friend, Estee,always says, " Ready, 1 , 2 , 3 BREAK!" Don't live your days "wishfully thinking." You will be where you are meant to be.

The rewards are endless. The best feeling you can ever imagine is closer to you than you think. Being proud of YOURSELF every time you reach a personal goal, is the the rarest feeling that no one can ever make or take from you.


Until next time,
Andreina :]

Quote of the day: Bulletproof.

This quote are lyrics from a song that I recently have attached myself to. The name of the song is called Bulletproof from the amazing artist named La Roux. My bestie, Teresa, was playing this song when she was over studying for finals. It was also a weekend when I was falling apart. I have just ended from a almost 2 year relationship. I know 2 years is not alot for many people that I know, but it was a relationship when I truly believed this BOY was the one. He played me and he played me good. He played everyone including his family and even mine. I was completely devastated, but the moment I got in my truck that night right after stepping from his house, I looked into the mirror and I knew. I knew this was going to be hard, but only as long as I let it be. I also knew, that I was beautiful and how disgusting I looked with running tears caused by a man that truly did not know me and how truly amazing I am. So, when I heard this song my attention immediately caught onto these words:

This time baby, I'll be bulletproof.

The reason why I hold onto these lyrics and the whole song itself so close is because that is exactly what I need to be. Bulletproof. Many would tell you that I am a girl that is too
nice. I never had a problem with that and I still don't. Yet, It has taken me through very tough times where I find myself with nothing after giving everything.

It has been in many accounts where I trust people too easily and find myself telling them everything about me. That was my form of finding closure with people and with myself. In my recent case, I gave my whole self to someone I thought was giving his whole self to me, atleast that is what he said when he placed the promise ring on my finger.

It is very difficult for me to write about this only because I did not think I was ready to. Yet, I surprise myself again.

My whole goal after going through this healing process, again, is to become bulletproof. No one can change me. No one can break me. You can hurt me, lie to me, and even break my heart, but no person and most of all, no man will ever come close to touching my value and self worth. I will, from now on, trust my instinct because once again they have been right the whole time. I am a woman of faith and so much to give to the world, and when the right one comes, my whole heart to give to my husband that I deserve. I deserve that happy fairy tale ending and when it comes, besides the wedding bells, will be the sounds of heart breaks from all the BOYS that let me slip through their fingers. Your loss.






Until next time,
Andreina :]

Quotes of the Day!

If you were to come in my room, you would find post it notes all over my desktop computer. All sticking around the rim of the screen scribbled with sayings, quotes, and phrases. All inspirational in their own unique way, all helped me in my darkest moments. I do not know what it is about words that can comfort you more at that moment than anything else could. Maybe it is the comfort that the person that wrote that specific quote or saying was going through the exact same thing you were! Or maybe because it is something you can repeat to yourself over and over before you sleep. That way you will start to live those inspirational words and motivate you to live life how you want it the very next day! Whatever the reason may be, words can capture us and instill something deep in our minds that encourage us to do things. So, this is why, I will do my best that every day, well, atleast every post, to put up a "quote of the day" and give you my own interpretation of it and how it affected me. Please leave comments of how it affected you! Also! Email me your own favorite quotes!
Until next Time,
Andreina :)

When life becomes more than you can stand, kneel.

Today, I went shopping with my older sister and my mom. I was having a tough day, but fighting it. It was way easier than I thought it would be. I just gave in to the precious time I was spending with them and actually let myself enjoy it. We walked into this amazing furniture store full of antiques and just random unique items. I was just snooping around when I found this small ceramic plate with sayings on them. I picked one up, the brightest of them all, and it said this: 

When life becomes more than you can stand, kneel.

A huge smile appeared on my face. I know some people would tell me, " You can not rely on signs" but how can you not believe when they are everywhere! I know that there was a reason for me to pick up the brightest ceramic plate and it just so happen to be a phrase that made more sense to me than anything in the past few weeks. Give your whole self to God. If your not religious, give yourself to YOURSELF. Break down, cry, and let it out. One thing I know for sure is to never EVER let it boil inside you. A best friend taught me that, her name is Bree. Back in 2006 , I lost someone very close to me. My neice and she was only 14 years old. I was devastated and completely destroyed. You name it! Physically, emotionally, and most of all religiously. I was so "proud" and stubborn to break down. It was like I was trying to prove myself to everyone that I was invincible, but had no reason to do so. Bree told me, " It's okay to not be strong sometimes." It was that simple, but I have never had anyone tell that to me. That is when I began to heal. I am not saying the pain is completely gone, but I will never let such pain ever define the person that I am. And I am back at that. That pain. Yet, again, I will overcome and am. "Kneel" to yourself and to your faith. "Kneel" down to pray or "Kneel" down to your weaknesses and build them to become stronger, a power that only yourself can control. 

Until next time,

  Andreina :]

Skype it.

So, I am skyping it with my bestie (Teresa)  and Joshy. Haha! Eventually, I am going to introduce to you all the important people of my life, no particular order!

Both of these kids have been apart of my life, more than a decade or so. SOMETHING LIKE THAT! Teresa is also attending the same college as I am and we take the same classes almost, we are both psychology majors. She is seriously the most amazing person I have EVER met. We are complete opposites most of the times, but when we collide OHHHH MANNN! haha! It's quote difficult to write about someone that means so much to you because words sometimes just do not cut it. So, I am going to show you just a sample of how random we truly are and how crazy we are about each other!!! haha!

andreina: u just want my gagalicious nails

Teresa : lol o ya cuz finger nails turn me on sooo much

andreina: u never knooow

Teresa : i wonder what that fettish would be called

andreina: lolol u think there is?

Teresa: i think that if u can think it, it probably exists

andreina: prolly huh

andreina: well thats your area hahah

Teresa: ya cuz im the weird sexual one

andreina: well u being the sex therapist and all~

andreina: u have to know these things!

Teresa: i should print out a list of every paraphilia known to man and hang it on my wall

andreina: u shud OMG ill make u a poster of it

andreina: just like the pokemon one

andreina: ill make a pic for every paraphilia!

Teresa: hahaha with pictures and everything

andreina: hahahah gotta catch them all!

Teresa: LMFAO!!!

andreina: hahaha

Teresa: i choose u URAPHILIA!

.:: SUCH GOOD TIMES ::.

Quote of the day:: " It's kind of fun to do the impossible"- Walt Disney

Until next time!

         Andreina :]

Bust Your Windows.

So, I am working on something that I never thought I would ever do. As the time comes by everyone will see what it is. I am really working hard. It's going to be exactly what I need to do. 

Oui, Je suis Andreina

No, I can not speak french. Haha. I did, however, take 5 years of it, but unfortunately it has all left me. I am a junior in college and instead of figuring out my major, I am learning more and more about me everyday; its not as easy it sounds. I am the youngest of 6, the second youngest is 12 years apart from me, so yes, I do have a bunch of little monsters running around; legally their known as my nieces and nephews. Therfore, I have no idea what the word "privacy" or "peace" means...just losing a piece of my mind it seems! Yet, I have no idea where I would be without my crazy, mexican traditionally, overwhelming, and loud family- to name a few. 

So, why did I decide to write a blog? I have no idea. I just found myself browsing the internet and well, here I am. I think this can be a good thing. This will be a good thing. Who knows where this might take me, so lets find out. LET'S DO THIS!

  Thanks all to took the time to read my randomness. Until next time. 

   Andreina :]