Random thoughts.

Oh my, YES, YES I know...long time.

Well, here I am sitting on my bed "apple sauce criss-cross" style ( as the preschool children say it). Hair messy and and tousled, a bit damp from the rain. Long thermal sleeve with my two essentials on each hand, my phone and water. I wish I did not have a phone, actually scratch that, I wish I wasn't as dependent on my phone as I am. Have my window just cracked slightly so I can hear the rain. I've always been comforted and soothed by the sound of water. When I would get stressed out or feel like im about to break, I would drive myself to the nearest water fountain, either it be by a park or shopping center, and sit by it for a very long time. Sadly, I have not been able to do that. So many memories have been made by my favorite fountains that they only hurt me now...Well, the rain would have to do. I could clean my room...clothes everywhere and just everything is on the floor. It actually really bothers me...but I am just so darn lazy to do anything about it, so I turn away from it..and that is what I have been really good at lately, turning my back to the problems I have not resolved and damaging situations I have created. I know I am pushing others away, especially the ones that want to help me. I just close off and just smile. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to do anything about it...right now. But, as we may all agree, that is not the way to go about with anything. Here I am praying for an answer with tears rolling down my face and pushing away the people that truly care. Yet, I do know why I am pushing them away...its because I want another kind of help...I want love.

Fuck.

Is that bad? Is that needy? Selfish?
It feels like the only way I can feel comforted is by being in someone's arms...wtf? Why do I want that so bad? Why can't I just be satisfied and appreciate the love of my true friends? I guess, because, cliche as it may sound, I am afraid of being alone. I HATE all this negativity. I want to feel like someone just wants to be around me all the time again. I don't know. Theres so much not right about me right now. But, one thing I will be grateful for amidst all this FAIL, is that I have gotten so much closer with my mother. My mother and father will never abandon me...and I love that. Now, I just need to get closer to my God. I pray to him, hell, I cry to him all the time...but after I just forget and live on as if I am ignoring all that he has blessed me with even when im very undeserving,. He has given me so many doors to surround myself around children, a new ministry, and my family...but I want more...Gawd, why am I so selfish...

Well, I am going to work on it. I want God to slap me across the face and WAKE ME UP.