I don't want to hate Valentine's day.

First, I would like to apologize for pretty much disappearing! Yet, I am back and in full force. I have been busy the past few weeks. I finally come home tired and just want to sleep. I missed those days. It makes me feel like I actually did something with my day rather than staying up bored and lonely. So, today I decided to not do anything at all. The only movement I have done was switch from one couch to the other. IT IS AWESOME. I have been painting and browsing the internet all while watching the food network.

So, because I am in this process of a whole new transformation, I decided to change the channel because watching food just makes me eat. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE EATING, but not just because I can and will. Anyways, I noticed that the movie, " I Hate Valentine's Day" was on. I decided to watch it and just found myself completely taken into the main character, Nia Vardalos, whole philosophy on romance and relationships. You should really watch it, yes, it is cheesy, but hell, I LOVE CHEESY. I was so into this film and I know because I felt like I was trying to understand Nia's character. This whole attitude she portrayed had everyone fooled to believe that she was really happy, but it was only a mask. I don't want to become like that. But, of course, she fell in love and was fighting to not admit it. Without much spoiling, she was in love and was her real self.

This whole process, well, life change, of working out almost everyday and just being healthier has become an outlet. I enrolled myself in kickboxing and it was the best thing I have ever done for MYSELF. I am addicted. My bestie, Teresa, pointed out to me one night while on Skype that kickboxing has given me that sense of security that calms me. It's true. Maybe because I miss that. I miss feeling secured...I admit that I miss the security from another person.

I am a strong woman, but being vulnerable, as I have grown to understand, does not mean I am weak. I had that sense of security by a guy and fell deeply in love with it. I felt safe. Now, that its gone, I find myself aggitated and completely exposed. MY GOD, where is this all coming from?! I know, me. It has always been there, but I have been so scared of facing these emotions that they eventually creeped back to me. BUT I WILL NOT FALL. I do not want to become scared of loving again or giving my whole self to someone I believe is deserving of me. BUT THAT IS JUST IT! I BELIEVED that the guy I was with was deserving. I believed it so much, that I did everything and anything in my power to protect that. I ignored all doubts, signs, and instincts. I pushed away the disrespect and shrugged off the tears. I was so convinced he was my answer. To say the least, I was wrong, But I was not wrong to be the great woman that I was to him. I still am, but for myself.

I was this great person before him and dammit, I am even greater after him. I will not live in fear of being hurt. As much as it is easier said than done, I will continue to live life like I always say I should. For me and for those who matter.



" Do whatever you need to do to look at the bright side of anything you come to face with" - Me

Until next time ( promise not in a long time!),
Andreina :]